The choice to become pregnant was not an easy one for me, I knew the struggle it would be and how hard it would be on not only me but my husband and children also. I was terrified to get pregnant and especially if it was anything like my first pregnancy, my first pregnancy went a little something like this. I was 18 years old a newly wed we chose to start our little family from the very beginning, I had graduated from High School, got married and we had moved into our little apartment ( my first time away from home) I had a part time job working at Schriebers the cheese factory, yeah a little weird, I was forced to quit after having a UTI and having to leave the floor every 3-5 min to go the bathroom and then later on the morning sickness came, I would go home often not being able to do a whole lot for myself, I would throw up constantly and couldn't keep any fluids down and would soon end up in the Insta Care with IV and fluids with some medication of Zofran to take home. I was super sick, super DEPRESSED, couldn't do much but lay on the futon at home while David would go to school. Dave would get me something for breakfast and then come home to find me on the couch where he had left me and make me some lunch and then head back off to school til the evening time. I stayed on that miserable futon with the lights off, the drapes closed for 3 months straight without ever leaving my apartment, the times I did leave my apartment I was so weak to even walk to the car. Life was pretty miserable and rock bottom I had never felt so alone in my life.I had no friends, I didn't really fit in anywhere just an odd ball out. I was really weak and sick I guess my body just had a lot of changes to get used to after all the hormone changes and things. During these dark times I didn't have hope, I didn't believe I became so distant from my Heavenly Father. I survived the first Trimester but not much happened in the Second that was different from the first. I was still sick, nauseous and throwing up the only thing that changed was I got bigger, the stretch marks happened and I was devastated, so hurt, I was so young and my whole entire body was covered in them. SPD was later a problem where it is extremely painful to walk, stand, lie down, put your jeans on anything that required moving. I didn't think I could bear anymore this was crippling and required a lot of help from my husband to do a lot of things for me. He was the sweetest man without question he would help bathe me ( I cried every time I would take a shower because I was so sensitive to the smell of shampoo and conditioner and soap and it would make me throw up) he was so kind to brush my teeth for me after throwing up and not being able to make it to the bathroom to do it myself. He would help dress me and make me food in the early hours of the morning, hold my hair back out of my face while kneeling at the nasty porcelain throne.He also would brush my hair for me. He was there for me every step of the way. My third trimester came and I was swollen like a big balloon, People made their snide remarks and always had to say something mean and rude, did they not know I was the hardest person on myself and didn't need them to tell me the things I already knew and thought of myself. Later came this big beautiful 9lbs 7oz 21.5 inches long full of black hair baby girl that was worth all the pain, all the wait the struggle never ended there, I had a rough time nursing that baby girl, I was so heart broken when she would prefer a bottle of being nursed it felt like a slap in the face, I hated my body, I couldnt even provide for my baby and she even despised my body just as I did. (or it felt that way to me) I had a terrible time bonding later on I would find myself doing things I normally wouldn't do, I would explode and scream in frustration to my husband and have thoughts of suicide and was so depressed and felt so out of it, things never really were normal since I became pregnant with the changes and things little did I know that I had bipolar and pregnancy and major changes were a trigger that would set off the BiPolar( totally makes sense why my pregnancy seemed so impossible and felt like mount Everst at times because my body needed a chemical that my body doesn't even make. I struggled for years without ever getting the proper care that I needed. I survived two pregnancies and two miscarriages. April 2012 I finally was diagnosed with BiPolarII all those years they had thought it was depression because I would go to the doctor in desperation while I was on a low and was depressed, I took multiple medications for depression little did I know that if you have BiPolar and you are taking an anti depressant that it makes it much worse so that is why I would go from one to the next because they would just worsen the symptoms. I went through so many years having lows and highs and having psychotic break downs and explosions for no reason at all. I am 15 weeks pregnant and I haven't had my medication for 9 weeks and that is equivalent to how I felt during my first pregnancy not taking or having any help that I need plus two small children that require my love, help and attention. I have had no motivation, energy, nothing. I leave home a lot not because I am a baby but because I need help with my children and I need to be watched out for that I don't break down and do anything stupid, not many are understanding or have an idea of what I am going through, a lot of them will judge me and talk but I know they don't understand because if they did they would be more forgiving. A few of my sisters and I miscarry easily due to low progestrone levels, 2.5years ago I had miscarried two times consecutively I found that my levels were suppose to be in the 20s but then they were a level 13, now two years later they are at a level 6 which are dangerously low. I would love to workout but anytime I do I feel like my body is gonna let go of the baby. This pregnancy I was prescribed 200 mg of progestrone. I don't feel so bad working out now that it is my second trimester. Because I was taking Nortriptylene 50mg while I was pregnant the doctors took me off cold turkey and I experienced a lot of withdrawls and yucky symptoms. I have my own OBGYN, a High Risk Doctor ( for being on Nortriptylene) a Genetic Counselor (they were afraid of the exposure from the Nortriptylene but have found not as dangerous as they thought) Dentist for the lovely root canals you get while being pregnant, Psychiatrist to help monitor my mental health, a Psychotherapist to also help monitor and help talk me through hard times, and soon my chiropractor to help with the SPD symptoms. My days mostly consist of appointments and checkups and ultrasounds and phonecalls and deadlines that I have to meet. I am so blessed to have children, it is a bitter sweet experience to bring them into this world, I am not sure why the struggle can be so difficult to where I don't think I can make it but it is what it is and for some reason Heavenly Father wants me to experience this to help strengthen me and stretch me for something bigger out there in my life to come. I will never forget the time I struggled being covered in stretch marks as a low self esteem, not sure of herself 18 year old. It was Christmas time and I was sitting by the tree and I was sobbing because I was so heart broken I asked Heavenly Father in anger and in desperation and in search for truth what the meaning of these marks on my body were. He later told me, " I will not forget you, I have engraved you on the palm of my hand." One day I too will know the meaning of the struggle but for now I'm just surviving.
